taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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