Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize