How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
