I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
