My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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