if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
