Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
