I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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