After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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