During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
