I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
