nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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