just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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