my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
