Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize