we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
