Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just google imaged poop.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
