Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
