Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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