Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
