she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
