May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
