What a fucking waste of an outfit
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
smell my finger.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
