I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You can't motorboat a personality
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
