either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
