youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
