My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
