my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize