and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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