I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just pee around me
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
