Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
