Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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