what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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