I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
