he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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