I just saw a hot homeless man
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
