puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
