i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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