Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
