when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
