i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
