did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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