One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
