he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
