Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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