theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
