you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
