Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
