Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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