Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize