so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
