Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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