We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I need water and some morals
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
