that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
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