cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
