god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
