I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize