Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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