Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My day in three words: secret purse cake
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
